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…On Words, Love and Life

Yawa don gas Part 1

One early mor-mor like dis, when I don enter gear 5 for inside sleep, I begin dey dream beta dream. For di dream, I win lottery. As I dey smile, dey pose with my big 3 million pounds sterling cheque for di paparazzi dem, their camera just dey flash kpa, kpa, kpa, na im my phone come begin ring, grin-grin, grin-grin! I wake up, come realise say na dream. I vex ehn. As I look di phone, na my friend, Johnny number. Mscheew!

Na wetin make Johnny dey call me dis early morning na? I nor pick up di phone. I close eye again, whether I go fit dream di dream again. Whossai? Na so phone ring again. I pick di phone begin shout.

“Johnny, you no see di time?”

” Ah, you dey sleep?”

“Bishop burn, you dey ask whether im bia bia burn too. You no dey sleep? Wetin make you dey call me dis early mor-mor? Pesin die?”

“Na wa for you o. If no be say I like you, I for don drop since. Mscheew.”

“Na you sabi.”

“No be your fault sha. Anyway, you dey near your computer?”

“Shay na from sleep you wake me, which one you dey ask me whether I dey near computer?

“Pipe down abeg, na beta ting I wan share. I don find one babe wey ready to take only one-five for dat ting.”

As I hear “one-five”, sleep comot my eye quick-quick. “You say wetin?”

“I say dis babe go collect only one-five for dat ting. E nor go too tey for you to collect kpali. I go send you email wit all di details dem.”

As Johnny dey talk, na so all my hope begin rise. Excitement catch me sotay I tell am say make we hook up later so we go fit yarn di matter well. E don too tay when I dey try to sort out dis my matter.

As I dey baff make I go meet Johnny, na so I begin sing all di praise and worship song dem wey I remember from di time when I dey go church wit my mama when I small.

“Jesus na bigi man, Jesus na bigi man, who no know am call small boy, Jesus na bigi man, who no know am call am small boy.”

“He’s a miracle-working God, He’s a miracle-working God, He’s the Alpha and Omega, He’s a miracle-working God.”

“When Jesus say yes, nobody can say no. So I say, Up, up Jesus, up, up, Jesus.”

“People dey ask me say, wetin dey me shine, I just dey tell dem say, na Jesus dey make me shine.”

Na so I sing sotay my oyinbo neighbour, dat one wey lepa like panla, wey trouser no gree stay for waist as no yansh to hold am, begin knack hand for wall dey shout, “Shut the fuck up!” I bin no even realise say my voice loud like that. Na so di happiness bin dey do me. I no answer am, which one consign agbero wit overload? I just wear my cloth waka comot house.

I reach bus stop dey wait bus 472 to meet Johnny for Woolich. Other people too dey wait for bus but me, I no look anybody face. One woman get small pikin for inside pram. I look di pikin, then I smile. Na im di pikin begin cry, dey scream. Kai, na so my face wor-wor reach? Di mama eye me well-well. E give am toy, pikin troway di toy. E give am feeding bottle, pikin no gree suck. I pity di woman but I no talk anything. I just comot face, dey mind my business jejely. Na so oyinbo people dey do for Jand. Nobody dey look anybody for face, nobody dey greet. Me sef I no send, I no kukuma like wahala. Before I go enter trouble when I dey try help person.

As we dey wait bus, na im police car come stop in front of di bus stop. I no know wetin make dem stop for there but na so my heart come begin beat fast like drum, even Ekpo Calabar for nor fit dance to di beat. Di kain fear wey catch me ehn, I nearly piss for pant. As di police dem come dey approach di bus stop, I begin call Blood of Jesus! for inside my mind, outside I dey form cool. I wan begin tear race, before one guy wey bin dey stand near me begin run, di police dem begin chase am. Kai! No be me dem bin dey find. I nearly begin dance Kukere, I just hold myself, I nor wan do crase man for bus stop. E no too tay before di bus come arrive.

As I enter bus, I wave my Oyster card for the machine. Di machine nor beep. I wave am again. No way. I try am again, whossai, nothing happen. Na im di passenger dem wey dey for my back begin complain. I shift make dem pass. When everybodi don climb enter finish, I try di Oyster again. No show. Na im driver tell me say either I pay di fare wit cash or I come down from di bus. I never see dis kain embarrassment before. I no hold any cash so I get to drop from di bus. Di other passengers just dey look me, some dey pity me, others just dey laugh. Kai, I don suffer.

I stand for di bus stop dey tink how manage di card nor gree work. Something wen I top up with £10 just two days before and I never use am since then. I tink am o but I no fit imagine how di money don finish. Di only way to find out na to go back to di corner shop for where I do di top up.

As I begin waka, na im rain begin fall. I nor hold umbrella. Rain wey never fall for London since sotay gofment declare hose pipe ban, na today e decide to fall. Di rain sef, nor be even dat one wey dem dey call ‘light showers’. Dis one na original thunder storm with lightning and heavy breeze. By the time I reach di corner shop, I be like someting wey cat reject.

I enter di shop come tell di shop assistant say my Oyster card wey I top up for here two days ago nor gree work. E ask me whether I get receipt. I tell am say I nor get di receipt but na here I dey always top up. E say nothing e fit do unless I bring receipt as proof say na here I buy am. We come begin dey argue. Na so our two dey shout before e talk say if I nor comot di shop e go call police. As soon as e talk dat one, e be like say pesin pour me cold water for bodi. Di vex wey I bin dey vex just evaporate. I run comot, nor be sake of £10 I go enter police trouble. Nor be di shop keeper fault, na condition na im make crayfish bend.

By dis time, rain don stop. Sun dey shine sef. Dis London ehn, e be like say di weather get schizophrenia. One minute, rain go dey fall like no tomorrow, di next minute, sun go begin shine. Na wa. As no way for me to take trans go meet Johnny, I call am to try arrange anoda day.

“My guy, I dey here dey wait you. Wetin happen na?”

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8 thoughts on “Yawa don gas Part 1

  1. Oya abeg where part 2 dey? Nor put us for long ting o, drop am quick. Meanwhile, na how many parts be dis tori so?I wan pace myself well well.

  2. Nkem, you are a character. I laughed so hard from the beginning to the end. Nice one. I was just imagining this as an audio story. Looking forward to part 2. Well done.

  3. EEEWWWWOOOO!!!*take pepper hand clean face* Make I nor wake Queen! Shuo! Wetin be dis na?! My English tisha dey write pidgin? O pari! Na dis year I see efrytin! Abeg, no put me for suspension oh! Do quick drop Part 2 oh! If to say I read this for meeting, I go talk say dem put sometin for my tea…..I hail! Na you biko!

  4. Lol, the life and times of an illegal immigrant! I hope he gets a good break in part 2 :) , his praise & worship should count for something….

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