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Archive for the tag “died”

It’s been three weeks

It’s been three weeks since I was driving and singing along to the radio when I got the call. Today I’m driving back from the gym. Pharrell William’s ‘Happy’ is playing. It’s a tune I love. My boys love it too. When it comes on at home, we crank up the volume and break out in a happy dance. But I am alone now. I do not have to put up a happy front for the children. I cannot clap along. Because I’m not happy. Yes, I do feel like a room without a roof. But it is raining and I am getting drenched in grief and loss as the rain mingles with my tears. The room is flooding with memories of when he was here. He was just here. I know that happiness is the truth but it is not my truth right now. I want to be happy but I am not. I cannot be. This loss is too huge, too painful to be lifted by the lyrics of an upbeat song.

It’s been three weeks. My older son points out that people are no longer coming to visit. Not like the steady stream we had when we first heard the news. I nod and agree with him. I want to tell him that that’s the way life works. It goes on. I want to say that though people care, life must carry on. That even though this was a monumental shift in our paradigm, it was just a momentary blip in that of our friends, interrupting their lives albeit ever so briefly. I want to tell him that even though they may not be physically present, we are in their thoughts and prayers. But I don’t. It is too much to burden a 7-year old with. My decision proves right when our conversation segues into sharing memories about Granddad. He and his brother talk about how Granddad was so funny, how he laughed and made them laugh. I am sad but I smile. I am glad that in spite of the fact that he is gone, they have happy memories of their grandfather.

It’s been three weeks. I am forgetful and absent-minded, apathetic and lethargic. I forgot to attend my appointment with the dentist. I forgot to take my younger son to the dentist. I forgot to change the calendar page from January to February. It is like I am frozen in time. As if I cannot move beyond those heart-stopping minutes three weeks ago.

It’s been three weeks. And It’s been hard. I have tried to carry on because that’s what he would have wanted. But it’s been hard. Sometimes I am able to function normally because in doing so, I’m almost able to convince myself that it didn’t happen. That the pain I feel in my chest is imaginary. Other times, everything in me bucks at normal because life isn’t normal and I want everything to stop and acknowledge that it isn’t.

It’s been three weeks since I decided to go back home. My other home. The one I grew up in. I think of my trip and I begin to get excited. I look forward to getting together with the whole family. To being in the same room as all my sisters. To the raucous laughter as we regale and remind each other with and of tales of our escapades. To catching up on news of everyone and what they have been up to since we’ve been apart.

But then I remember why I am making the trip. And grief shoos the excitement out of my soul. I am going back home because my daddy died. I am going back home but I won’t be seeing my dad. And that hurts. Badly.

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Random ramblings

Forgive me if this post seems rather disjointed, I’m in a funny place. Please permit me to ramble.

Last Thursday would have been my friend’s, Femi’s, 42nd birthday. She died on the 24th of November 2010, a few months after she’d turned 40. She was on Facebook. Facebook doesn’t know she’s dead. An automatic notification was generated reminding all her Facebook friends that it was her birthday. Sigh! I miss her. Terribly. But I didn’t write on her wall. It’s not like she’d read it and reply anyway.

We’re having a grey and windy day here. The clouds are pregnant with rain drops and will birth them any minute. I once read somewhere that when it rains, it means God is crying. I don’t know about that but I do envy those clouds. I bet they’ll feel much lighter once they shed the heavy load of all that rain.

I haven’t been to the gym in a while.My right knee suddenly started to swell and hurt a little. I ignored it and carried on working out. But the voice of reason finally got through to me and I went to see a doctor. He prescribed some anti-inflammatory medicine and asked me to stop all load-bearing exercise until the swelling goes down. Five weeks later, it’s still swollen! I’m suffering from a deficiency of exercise-generated endorphins.

I haven’t done much creative writing this year. And it’s not for want of trying. It’s not writer’s block or anything like that. I just feel like I’m in limbo and until I find some direction, I won’t be able to move forward. I’m trying to edit the manuscripts I’ve completed already and hope that once I start pitching those to publishers, I’ll be able to write some more.

In more uplifting news, Acer Aspire has been replaced, thanks to Mo Cushla. Her replacement and I have since been getting acquainted. Acer Aspire lives on via her hard drive which was rescued. I have to think of a fitting name for AA’s successor, I can’t exactly call her AA too. Any suggestions?

When I feel out of sorts, I listen to music. All kinds. Music has a way of lifting up my spirit. So while trying to make sense of my befuddled soul and muddled brain cells, I’ve been listening to some.

This one, called ‘Mighty to save’, by Laura Story was sent to me by a friend a week or so ago and I’ve been playing it over and over again. Beautiful lyrics! Thank you, you know who you are Open-mouthed smile

This next one is ‘Arms of love’ by Amy Grant. It takes me back to my early days as a new Christian and my university days way back in …Ah! but that would be telling now! It’s quite old and the quality isn’t great. It reminds me of God’s unconditional and unfailing love for me especially when I’m most undeserving.

This last one is called ‘That Stupid song’. I love it simply because it is that…a stupid yet lovely song.

I hope you enjoy all the songs.

I’m feeling much better than when I started this post.

Thanks for stopping by.

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